Your Karma Knows You (or Shut Up and Slow Down!)

Hey folks.
I'm back to Zen practice since I love the local zen teacher so much. Plus it just makes sense to practice with him since I can see him quite often. Check him out.

I was chatting with my housemate last night and she mentioned how it's amazing what your body is telling you when you're sick. She's fighting off tonsillitis and has nearly lost her voice. She's determined that her body is telling her to slow down and maybe be silent for a while. That got me thinking.

In Buddhism, we believe that the sentient being is basically made up of karma. We don't believe in a soul or individual, solid self (hence, anatta, or "not self"), but instead we say sentient beings - and all things for that matter - are made up of infinitely divisible parts, none of which can be said to be the "self." We believe that the body a particular stream of consciousness takes depends on its accumulated karma from infinite past lives.

Regardless of what you think about this idea is beside the point for now. The relation to my friend's statement is that your karma knows you.

You get sick for a reason. It doesn't just come out of the blue. Sure, there are interactions with other people's karma, but that's part of it all. With every thought, word and action, you create new karma. Your tendencies, habits and personality are all reflections of the karma you have created. Remember that karma is translated as "intentional action" - it's not simply a cause-and-effect relationship like many Westerners mistakenly believe. Karma explains why you do the things you do, but it doesn't necessarily definitely explain why things happen to you. It just means that you have certain tendencies because you developed certain habits and behaviors, and that much of your life circumstances can be traced back to the habits and tendencies you have cultivated in the past.

So when you get sick, your body - your karma - is telling you something. Maybe it's saying what my housemate said - slow down and shut up. Get some rest, don't work so much, take care of yourself, etc. Maybe it's saying you need to re-examine your priorities and work harder at time management.

Your karma knows you because it is you. When things happen in your life, use them as reminders to examine your habits and behavior and see if changes are necessary.

That's the beauty of Buddhist practice - all of truth and happiness is inside, not outside. We create our own suffering as well as our own happiness. Mindfulness meditation teaches us to pay attention to our bodies, our minds and our actions and break the vicious cycle of suffering once and for all. We can start by noticing when we get sick and for how long, and use sickness to our benefit.

Gassho.

Back to Basics

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
(Honor to him the Blessed One, the Worthy One, that One Perfectly Enlightened by himself)
Buddham Dhammam Sangham saranam gacchami (I take refuge in the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha).

Greetings. It's been a while since I last posted.

For a few months now, I haven't been very good at keeping the Five Precepts. I've been spending much more time with friends who are not Buddhists (the majority of those I know) and it's been quite nice, but my spiritual practice has faltered as a result. I don't mean that in a negative sense. Everything that happens in life is a teacher and I can learn from them all, even if they aren't necessarily in line with the specific practices I follow. This is just an observation - I haven't been keeping the precepts. Doesn't mean I have to stop hanging out with friends in order to keep the precepts. Not at all. It means that I just have to use a bit more mindfulness and trust that my friends will understand, and trust that it won't necessarily end friendships or cause strife between us.

Really the only precept this pertains to is the 5th (as you probably guessed) - to abstain from alcohol, drugs and other intoxicants.

I do enjoy beer and marijuana. They are quite helpful in relaxing and taking a load off for the day. But, as all serious Buddhists know, they cloud judgment and cause mindlessness. They can also easily become attachments that are hard to break (alcohol more so than marijuana).

I plan to tell the friends whom I hang with most that I won't be smoking or drinking anymore. But this isn't easy - I'm moving in with one of these friends soon. So that may or may not be a point of contention. Hopefully not. I don't expect it to be. This friend is a great person and is very understanding and tolerant of other views. But living together might be a bit of a challenge since I'm likely to be around smoking and drinking. Personally, it doesn't bother me one bit. I don't really have an aversion to other people doing it, even in close proximity. But as far as my spiritual path goes, I understand there are guidelines to encouraging or being a bystander to those who don't practice the precepts. Again, personally, this isn't a big deal to me. I hate to be a preachy, self-righteous prick who can't get along with anyone who doesn't think like me. Especially with friends, they will understand where I'm coming from and I'll understand from where they are coming. And usually what happens is both sides agree to separate during those times, though I don't necessarily require that.

Anyway, it seems complicated but it's really not unless we make it so.

I've decided to start following the Uposatha observance days, which are periodic times throughout the lunar calendar in which practitioners deepen their practice, offer support to monastics and maybe do some volunteer or charitable work around the community. In Theravada, Uposatha is observed about four times per month in accordance with the four phases of the moon - thus, the use of the lunar calendar to follow Uposatha in most Theravada countries (Burma, Sri Lanka, Thailand, Cambodia, etc).

Uposatha provides a time for practitioners to renew their commitment to Dhamma practice, so they don't waste this precious human birth, but instead continually remind themselves to practice diligently along the spiritual path.

Since there are no monasteries in town, most likely I'll be taking off work for the day and heading to the local meditation group. I'll offer a small donation, do some sitting and walking meditation and also some sutta (scripture) study. For Uposatha days that fall on days of staff meetings or student group meetings, I'll attend those.

On Uposatha days, lay people observe eight precepts instead of the usual five. These include precepts to abstain from all sexual conduct, entertainments, music, dancing, movies, perfumes, wearing garlands, using cosmetics, sleeping on luxurious beds or sitting on luxurious seats, and eating after the noon hour. The specifics of these precepts are a bit more technical. See this article for a great Q&A on the eight precepts.

I feel it will be very beneficial for me to observe eight precepts while practicing on the Uposatha days. It will reinvigorate my practice and keep my mind and conduct pure so I can get the most from this spiritual path.

Wanna hear something exciting? The next Uposatha, this upcoming Monday the 26th which is the quarter moon observance day, is the same day the Tibetan monks from Drepung Loseling Monastery are returning to campus to present their four day "Mystical Arts of Tibet" program. This will be the second time I will get to see them while in CoMo and it should be great. They will be spending the four days creating their famous sand mandalas in the university library, giving a lecture on "Tibet Today" and a sacred music/dance performance in one of our auditoriums. It should be really great, and I"m so happy to be able to see and speak to monks on the Monday Uposatha. I've actually never talked to a monk other than the Rinzai Zen monk who teaches on campus. I've talked to a former monk (Matthew Flickstein). This should be really cool.

Life update: Like I mentioned, I'll be moving in with a friend who's buying a house pretty soon. This is going to be great. We'll be doing lots of painting, gardening, composting and other house maintenance stuff. We get along great and I think it's going to be an awesome experience for me since I don't know much about taking care of a house other than cleaning. She'll also be teaching me some basics of cooking.

I've applied for a recently opened full-time position in the office in which I work, so keep your fingers crossed for me. This position offers benefits and a 70% reduction in tuition cost should I choose to go back to school at MU. Very cool. If I don't get it, I'll continue looking elsewhere for full-time work.

Another update: I've been doing quite a bit of community activism. Along with the friend I'm moving in with, we started a book club that focuses on works written by radical voices outside of the mainstream - anarchists, communists, socialists, radical feminists, etc. It's a great book club and our second meeting is this Sunday. Right now, we're reading "The World Without Us" by Alan Weisman.

I've started a community organization geared towards activism with the leftist/radical crowd in CoMo. It's called The CoMo Leftist League and we've even had a first meeting. I'm quite happy to be doing radical organizing and am hoping more people join so we can start effecting some real change in our community.

That's it for today. Thanks for stopping by :-)

Making Sense

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
(Honor to him the Blessed One, the Worthy One, that One Perfectly Enlightened by himself)

Greetings everyone.

Recently, I've come to realize that Buddhism and social justice are all that ever really makes sense to me anymore.

This world is so crazy, so messed up. Human beings are constantly finding new ways to destroy each other and our ecosystem. There seems to be no end to the insanity. It drives me nuts.

I think about all I've learned as a student of Buddhism - that people are driven by greed, hatred and delusion; that people are harming others not because they want to do it but because we all have an innate delusion of an eternally existent self, and from this delusion springs all other evils in the world; and that the way out of this madness is through mindfulness, meditation and moral actions.

I think about how the world really hasn't changed that much since the Buddha's time per se - sure, life is a bit more complex, but the underlying reasoning behind our actions is still the same.

And I also think about how social justice activists the world over have made so many strides for so long and yet we still have so much more to accomplish.

I spend a lot of time thinking about getting into a relationship, finding love, being successful, becoming a well-known writer, etc. But in actuality, the one thing I believe that matters the most to me is my and other's lasting happiness. And I'll take that over a book contract any day.

I tend to get quite impatient waiting for governments, politicians and corporations to change their destructive ways, but I'm slowly learning to stop looking at it all as one big lump of bad that I have to get rid of right away. My radical side comes out quite often when thinking about just how much we're killing the ecosystem and each other. But then I remember that everyone has their own delusions - some of us are more deluded than others, or are deluded in different ways, but it's all the same underneath. And because people run governments and corporations, those delusions can be magnified many many times and affect more and more people.

This isn't to say I will stop calling myself an anarchist or leftist, but I do understand that ultimately, no matter what we do, we will never get rid of the causes for the destruction ultimately. We can slowly wake people up to the reality of things, but the three poisons of greed, hatred and delusion still remain and will continue to make life hard for everyone.

In other words, we all must do our own work if we are to see real change in this world. Us anarchists can go out and rage against the State all we want, but the people in Europe also have to do their part. And of course, we all need to spend a bit more time on the cushion, watching our own minds for traces of the same delusions causing the bigger problems.

That's why I think social justice and Buddhism go hand-in-hand. In my opinion, meditation should make the world's situation more clear and urgent for you, instead of just allowing you to bliss out for thirty minutes at a time. We should be more clear-minded and ready to take on the world's problems after sitting. Apathy, to me, is a complete contradiction to Buddhist practice.

I need Buddhism to keep me patient and mindful and to keep me from assuming that anarchism and social justice will alone cure all the world's problems. But I also need leftist social justice to remind me that I have a duty to contribute to the well-being of others.

In my opinion, regardless of one's political or religious affiliations, we all can agree that something is terribly wrong in the world and it needs to be fixed. But since we are all a part of the world - a piece of what keeps it going - we should realize that we have a duty to be the best we can be and to help others do the same so we can get our species back on a decent track towards harmony. I think when we all finally realize this, all separations and distinctions will disappear and we'll finally do what needs to be done.

Here's to hoping it's sooner rather than later.

Anjali.

The Heavy Burden of Loneliness

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
(Honor to him the Blessed One, the Worthy One, that One Perfectly Enlightened by himself)

Hey everyone.

This morning I woke up in such a depressed mood, and I still am actually. For the last few nights, I've been having dreams about that which I want most - a romantic partner, a relationship. This last night the dream was especially vivid, in which I was at some kind of water park or pool and I was swimming with some friends, my brother and someone who I was either in a relationship with or someone I had planned on starting a relationship with. In any case, this dream involved two people I want to see so very dearly - my brother, who's away serving his second tour in Iraq right now, and whoever it is I'm supposed to be with romantically.

Every once in a while I get into these moods, which I believe is a mix of depression symptoms and just plain old loneliness. But it's hard to say whether or not I would feel so deeply lonely if I wasn't so depressed also. After all, people feel lonely all the time. No need to suffer from depression just to feel lonely, especially if you haven't been with someone in a while.

The most troubling part of it is that I'm surrounded by friends who care about me, at home and work. And I could easily hang out with many people all the time to help. But I've noticed that even when I'm hanging out with friends often, my loneliness is still there when I go home at night. When I'm alone, I'm either very content (because I really do enjoy my alone time since I didn't get much of it as a kid) or I'm really depressed. And usually they are quite hard to differentiate. I've admitted to friends that sometimes it's hard to tell between my deep depression and my wanting to just be alone. That's why friends check up on me quite often.

I've also noticed my moods have been so erratic these days. I can go from frustration and anger towards "the system" (capitalism, government, war, ecological disaster, etc) to loneliness and despair quite rapidly. My moods change sometimes even momentarily, or day to day. I never know how I'm going to feel at any given moment.

Luckily I know how to deal with my emotions. I used to express frustration in unhealthy ways, but I've since learned to deal with them. But many times I choose to just keep them inside, not talk to anyone, insisting I'm doing fine. Friends can tell ya - it's often quite hard to get me to verbally talk about how I'm feeling. I just don't want to be a burden to people. Everyone has their own problems, why should they worry about mine also? It just doesn't seem fair to them. I can handle my problems.

But we all know that's not true, especially when my loneliness and hurt is so heavy I can actually feel it physically. Sometimes it just feels like my heart is breaking for no apparent reason. I like to think that being in a loving romantic relationship would make it all better, but I'm not even sure about that anymore.

In Buddhism, one of the three marks of existence is anicca - impermanence. All conditioned phenomena (that is, all phenomena brought about by previous conditions) are impermanent - they don't last. They rise and fall with every single moment, just like the breath (which is why the most popular meditation device is following the rising and falling of the breath, the most perfect and accessible example of impermanence). Emotions, feelings, beliefs, ideas, and mindstates are all just momentary phenomena, and we can bet they will change quite rapidly throughout life.

I have to remind myself of this when I notice my moods becoming erratic. I try to focus on the good things I have around me - friends, family, a great job, etc. It's quite hard to do that, especially when you're struggling financially and emotionally and oftentimes it feels like there's no hope in the world. But meditation and other Buddhist practices help me to deal.

Whenever I feel myself getting lethargic, I try to keep occupied to take my mind off of things for a while. There's not a whole lot I can do since I don't often have money, and I don't have my own vehicle and my friends aren't always available. So I just have to find little joys, like music or a favorite movie or TV show.

I haven't been on medication for a while. I stopped taking my last prescription because it really didn't do anything but make me groggy and tired and I just wanted to sleep all the time. So typical of the pharmaceutical industry. I want something that makes me feel good, not sleepy. That's not very productive.

I'll be seeing a counselor as soon as the next opening at the psychological services center on campus opens up. I can't wait. I really need this. It's times like now when I wish I had held onto things I let go of a while back, such as a decent relationship, friends, etc. I guess that's a part of growing up - learning to make the right decisions at the right times, and growing from your mistakes when you make them.

The late Venerable Ajahn Chah, meditation master from the Thai Forest tradition of Theravada Buddhism, is known for saying "It's only heavy when you hold onto it. Put it down." I often tell myself to just put it all down - all the worry, anxiety, despair, loneliness and depression - just put it all down. But it's not so easy. I want to feel different, but I have no control over it. And, to be quite honest, feeling depressed and lonely can actually be desirable in my worst times, because it's like validation. "See, I told you I am depressed. I am a victim, and none of this is my fault. I'm suffering and it's just me and no one understands." It's those times - when I actually intentionally hold onto my depression - that I really have to make a concerted effort to try to let it go. I'm slowly, very slowly, getting better at it.

Alright, I'll leave you with a poem I wrote some time ago and posted on facebook. I think it explains my mood quite well.

Anjali (hands folded in respect)

But I Think I'm Fine
A Poem

I don't know why everyone is so worried
when I retreat to my room at night.
"Darling, how are you feeling today?"
Don't worry, I think I'm fine.

Hours staring at broken computer screens,
love to be alone most of the time.
Since when did silence become uncanny,
since when was loneliness a crime?
Haven't talked to friends in ages,
phone sits right next to my pillow.
You say I look thin and sad,
But I think I'm fine.

Besides, the bed is my best friend,
it asks no questions and tells no lies.
It hugs me when I'm sad and lonely,
it catches all the tears I cry.
You worry that I don't get out enough,
you say I'm far from alright.
I say these meds are bullshit
and they make me far too tired.

Everyone has a diagnosis,
everyone has a remedy to life.
But you don't see the demons I wrestle,
and besides, have you ever met my mind?
I try hard to be so selfless,
I try hard to be so kind.
Forget death, I'm feeling well rested,
tonight I'm going to try and fly...

I've got books and I've got websites,
a cheap guitar I can pretend to play,
a job that I hate and skip quite often,
and rampant thoughts to help pass the day.

In my head is a person I hate,
in my head is someone I love.
Instead of suggesting another useless book
come help me rescue them both from the flood.

I don't know why you're so worried
when it seems I'm just getting by.
You know me, I wouldn't lie, would I?
I think I'm fine,
I know I'll be fine,
finding out how to be fine...

Monasticism, Realistically Speaking

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
(Honor to him the Blessed One, the Worthy One, that One Perfectly Enlightened by himself)

What up folks.

So I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that monasticism is probably out of the question for me. As much as I would like to ordain in the Thai Forest tradition, I don't think that's where my path is leading me right now. Of course, I guess I can't be sure where exactly my path is going, as my constant back-and-forth demonstrates. But as things are going right now, I'm discovering that social work and violence prevention is why I'm here this time around.

Along with other issues such as finances and professional connections, I feel my goal for this life is to do what I can to contribute to a peaceful, sustainable and just world. I hope to do that within the fields of violence prevention, anti-sexual assault and other progressive movements.

I have great respect for the monastic Sangha and I believe they are an "incomparable field of merit for the world" as the Buddha said. They keep the Dhamma alive and provide the enlightened teaching so crucial to the survival of the Buddhadhamma during this sasana ("sasana" essentially means the time in which a certain teaching, or Dhamma/Dharma, exists in the world). I cringe when I hear people criticize monastics and yet we are so willing to send our daughters and sons out to war. Hypocrisy.

Hopefully when I progress along my career path I'll live close to a forest monastery, maybe in California or somewhere in the Northeast. That way I can be part of the lay community providing the requisites for the monastics in exchange for the precious teachings.

Maybe in my next lifetime I'll be reborn into a situation more conducive to ordination. Until then, I'll be the best lay person I can.

As a matter of fact, I have been thinking about taking 8 precepts formally, but that's probably going to be further down the road once I figure out what my future might look like. Right now things are just too up in the air. And I'll admit I'm pretty attached to romantic partnerships. Not sure if that's something I'm willing to give up just yet.

So yeah, the path to discovery continues for me. Here's to hoping it goes well.

Anjali (hands folded in respect).

Let's do it again!

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammasambuddhassa

Namaste everyone.

So if you know anything about Buddhism, then you can tell from my dedication above that I'm switching back to Theravada. Oh yeah, the dizziness continues.

I won't spend a whole lot of time explaining why. I will say that it's just a gut feeling right now as I deepen my practice. Theravada was my first love with Buddhism, and it remains the main source of inspiration for me. So, I continue to follow my path wherever it takes me.

I'm hoping to visit a Theravadin monk who runs Dhamma Sukha Meditation Center in Annapolis, MO. He not only conducts retreats, but he also offers lay and monastic precepts for both men and women. They also have a nun's order called Purple Nuns.

I'm hoping to attend a couple retreats with him and then formally take 8 precepts. This is part of really deepening my practice and becoming serious about my aspiration for Thai Forest ordination.

I don't expect anyone to take my wayward mind seriously anymore. I've switched religious traditions so often that people are probably seeing me as bipolar or totally confused. But I will say that I'm staying true to myself no matter what. I'm not avoiding my mind or trying to suppress it. I'm following my path wherever it leads and learning as much as I can along the way.

If you would like to discuss my decision, I'm more than happy to oblige. Leave a comment if you can :-)

Anjali.

"The Winner and the Loser both Lose"

"In battle, the winner and the loser both lose." ~Buddha

I've decided that I need to stop debating, at least for a while. I find myself saying things I don't really mean, or losing my temper and offending people in an attempt to be right and better than the other person. And it's quite easy to get caught up in the debate itself and forget what your original point was. I find myself being very egotistic and not at all mindful. Then I backtrack and apologize and try to make up for it. While I acknowledge the courage it takes to admit wrong and make amends, it all could be avoided if I practice mindfulness and selflessness beforehand.

So, I need to stop debating. Rather, I'll just discuss things in casual conversation and not try to prove people wrong. I'll state my opinion and leave it at that. I'll respond in a courteous manner. I'll validate the other person's opinion without compromising my own beliefs. I'll be mindful of my tone and body language as well as my words. And when I feel the discussion is veering towards debate, I'll have the humility and courage to bow out gracefully.

Most of the time, you really can't change the other person's mind. They are just as strong in their beliefs as you are in yours. Realizing this, it's futile to get into debate. It proves nothing other than your own selfishness. If you know you can't change the other person's mind, then what you're really doing is trying to appear smarter and more informed and therefore better than that person. And of course there's personal insults that come into play to make it worse. It's really not worth it in the end. I end up looking like a selfish ass quite often.

Alright, that'll do it. Namaste.